We are sitting at lunch when my daughter casually mentions that she
and her husband are thinking of "starting a family". "We're taking a
survey," she says, half-joking. "Do you think I should have a baby?"
"It will change your life," I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral.
"I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on weekends, no more
spontaneous vacations...."
But that is not what I meant at all. I look at my daughter, trying to
decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn
in childbirth classes. I want to tell her that the physical wounds of
child bearing will heal, but that becoming a mother will leave her
with an emotional wound so raw that she will forever be vulnerable.
I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper
without asking "What if that had been MY child?" That every plane
crash, every house fire will haunt her. That when she sees pictures of
starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than
watching your child die.
I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think
that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce
her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. That an
urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop her best crystal without
a moment's hesitation.
I feel I should warn her that no matter how many years she has
invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by
motherhood. She might arrange for childcare, but one day she will be
going into an important business meeting and she will think of her
baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of her discipline
to keep from running home, just to make sure her baby is all right.
I want my daughter to know that everyday decisions will no longer be
routine. That a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room
rather than the women's at McDonald's will become a major dilemma.
That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming
children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed
against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that
restroom.
However decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess
herself constantly as a mother.
Looking at my attractive daughter, I want to assure her that
eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never
feel the same about herself. That her life, now so important, will be
of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give it up
in a moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for
more years - not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child
accomplish theirs.
I want her to know that a caesarian scar or shiny stretch marks will
become badges of honor. My daughter's relationship with her husband
will change, but not in the way she thinks. I wish she could
understand how much more you can love a man who is careful to powder
the baby or who never hesitates to play with his child. I think she
should know that she will fall in love with him again for reasons she
would now find very unromantic.
I wish my daughter could sense the bond she will feel with women
throughout history who have tried to stop war, prejudice and drunk
driving. I hope she will understand why I can think rationally about
most issues, but become temporarily insane when I discuss the threat
of nuclear war to my children's future.
I want to describe to my daughter the exhilaration of seeing your
child learn to ride a bike. I want to capture for her the belly laugh
of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog or a cat for the first
time. I want her to taste the joy that is so real, it actually hurts.
My daughter's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed
in my eyes. "You'll never regret it," I finally say. Then I reach
across the table, squeeze my daughter's hand and offer a silent prayer
for her, and for me, and for all of the mere mortal women who stumble
their way into this most wonderful of callings. This blessed gift from
God . . . that of being a Mother.
